Monday, September 28, 2015

Searching From Within

If we were lost when the world was ending
I'd spend my days searching for you
My heart would beat to find yours
I'd use it as a guide
I would know where to go

I'd try to find the fastest way
By all means necessary
I'd even walk on my tired feet for days
I wouldn't give up easily
I'd search until I saw your face

It wouldn't matter where we were
Our hearts and minds would know
The connection between us will be unbroken
Our will is as strong as our love
We know ourselves from within

And I know that we'd find each other within reasonable means
We would find each other without suffering

Friday, September 25, 2015

Sink or Swim

The difference between us
was the distance apart
love was strong for you
but I questioned my heart

I made the decision to live in another city
and you let me go freely
your heart was anchored
it was safe at home

Mine battled through
I was left beaten and alone
in the trenches bruised and scarred
crawling in solitude in the dark

I wasn't sure what I was working towards
my life seemed like it wasn't my own
it felt like I was treading water
Just floating
I didn't know what I was living for

You didn't know how I became more guarded
I didn't see what you could offer
Being alone was becoming more normal to me

You threw me a life raft
But I couldn't see
I didn't know where to swim
after floating free

Do I grab on to something that I used to know?

Or swim a different direction to the great unknown?

Wednesday, September 9, 2015

Love as a tragedy

He left me hanging
A noose around my neck
He agreed that I should go kill myself
"It's not too late" he said

I cried and walked away
Hoping he would give into the chase
Be he didn't do anything
Why would he try

He gave up months ago
And I was the reason why
Saying "I love you" stopped being enough
And I retreated inside

No reason to be out
No mid day stop and surprise
No reason for him to come around
Just reasons for me to die

I gave him all of my keys
My life in his hands
 But he didn't even try to open the door
He didn't comprehend

Even with all the answers I gave him
He still didn't pass

So I compiled all the reasons to end this tragedy fast
No hand written suicide note
If I did, I would have felt better

But this time I didn't put forth the effort
It was time for my life to end
Just time for me to go
Maybe in the after life
Love I will know

Wednesday, August 26, 2015

Letting Him Go

All she wanted was a love to match her own
Equal parts desire, passion, and lust to stir
Trying to get a fire started she asked for more

She gave him all the answers, but he still fell short
All the clues were given, but they were all ignored
She stopped trying and let him go
At least he could be the one for another girl

Her love wasn't as complex
He didn't have to try any harder
He sacrificed nothing
With her he didn't care to bother

She didn't force her will
She had none to give
 At least they found love, but it was different

He found a love where he felt in control
A feeling he liked that made him feel revived and new
She found herself the submissive her complaints kept to only a few

If I stayed, I wouldn't know what for
I gave him his freedom because I knew better
Than to stay with a man knowing it's over

Sometimes when my ex crosses my mind, I think about how we broke up.  We had broken up 3 times, but the first time was his decision.  When he told me, my heart instantly broke and I never even saw it coming.  We would fight, but I thought he was fine.  But looking back, I think men have different communication styles.  I tend to let out everything and I think men tend to silence their thoughts just to get the discussion over with.  I also think he broke up with me because he was going to take a 2 week road trip cross country and didn't have to worry about cheating.

I'm glad he broke up with me first, because at least I know what a broken heart feels like.  We got back together after his trip was over, but after 2 months I broke it off.  My heart was so sore that I couldn't love him the way it was and I've always tried to revive our love, but something in me just died.  I even gave him another chance and I know he tried.  But honest me, just couldn't fake it at love and so that was that.

Tuesday, August 18, 2015

A Better Day

I never wanted to change you
But a change happened in me
I always wanted to be an individual
But there were things I couldn't do individually

I wanted my dreams to come true
And I realize you helped guide me
I wanted my best foot forward
And you let me fly free

You told me the world was my oyster soup kitchen floor wax museum
A tribute to a band we love to hear and see
You knew much better than I
That letting me go was the only way I could be who I wanted to be

I know you take our wedding vows seriously
You wouldn't do us harm because our love goes on perpetually
I know you're happy the way things are
You are so easy to please

But what you don't know is
That there is always change happening
And that change is that every day you better me

Tuesday, August 11, 2015

Satan's Daughter

There is evil in her
The kind that won't go away
Looks can be deceiving through an angel face
Many hearts can't forget the hurt she can say

She takes your heart
Holds it in her hands
Plays with it for awhile
Can crush it hard
Just because she can

She is not as sweet as she looks
She makes you think you can read her
But she is an encyclopedia of mysteries
Just not your ordinary book

She lets people think they know her
But she knows herself
She can't be trusted
She belongs in hell

As good as she seems
Only time will tell
She's been broken before
Fragile as glass
But she'll cut you
When she falls on the floor

Shattered to pieces
There is no way to tell
What her evil heart might do

You can't hurt something that isn't there
But unfortunately she can hurt you


Last night had a dream that I was in a strange castle and I ran into a girl who looked sweet, but she was possessed by Satan.  In my dream, I started praying the "Our Father" prayer and I prayed for quite awhile until the evil was gone.  But I was worried that the evil was in me and so I mustered up the courage to look in the mirror and look into my eyes, but as soon as I was about to find out if Satan was in me I woke up.

I think the mind is a very interesting thing, I've been geeking out to a lot of music like Ghost B.C, Rammstein and Static X, but feeling unsure about my next goals in life.  As happily married as I am, I still have issues with my independence and the feeling that I am not fulfilling as many dreams as I could.  I'm confident I can make it as a designer, but there are times I am vulnerable and I question everything in my life to be able to move forward.

Monday, August 10, 2015

Let's Pretend

I can feel us changing
In a bad kind of way
We pretend to be the same
But I've had the recurring dreams
There, I felt the change

Your looks are no longer longing
You pretend to listen and tune me out
You disregard what I am saying
You disregard me when I tell you what I'm about

You only pretend to try after a fight
Say the right words
So it seems like we are seeing eye to eye

It pains me when we say goodbye
Because each time you say it
Leads us closer to the last time

I rolled the ball in your court
The favor was on your side
You said that you would try
But nothing was done instead

Our future was in your hands
All you had to do was clench it
But your timing was off
You slipped and it was

The End